-----Original Message-----
From: AJ Johnson [mailto:ajj@tpri.com]
Sent: Friday, December 12, 2003 10:08 AM
Subject: the art of the rant
In honor of our boy who today turns the ripe old age of 27 and this year for the first time ever will be absent from an edition of the fabled HoHo Bowl, I present a collection of bowl-game-related emailed complaints, threats, flames, and rants written over the last decade by my friend and your favorite . . . Justin Sandberg.
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(Following the invitation to Gobble Gobble #3, the middle years when we were in the midst of our bowl game attendance lows)
Justin, to me: As one of the permanent members of the vacation bowl squad I would like to take this opportunity to inform you that this ship is sinking. Bowl turnout has not been good the last few times and I see no reason to expect improvement. I send you this message as a type of intervention, hoping it will alert you to and prepare you for reality. A reality that can be cold and harsh for the most die hard vacation bowl sentimentalists. Please if you don't get help from me, get help somewhere. I of course will be there. Justin "the realist vacation bowl squad member" Sandberg
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(Two weeks later, with a desperate HoHo #3 looming ahead)
Justin, to me: A.J. they are dropping like flies. There is going to be a very low turnout. I think part of the problem is that the older we get the more we listen to our parents. I will be there, but I will not be in high spirits. I need a boost of enthusiasm. Not only do I not have cleats or a girlfriend, but now I don't have football gloves either. I lost them somewhere. We need to convert the bowls to large non athletic social gatherings that aren't on the actual holidays themselves. Either that or start kidnapping people. Tell me who you know is actually coming. Take it easy. Justin "Land of Lou" Sandberg
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(After the invitation to Gobble Gobble #4, in which I verbally assaulted everyone on my list and had to send a subsequent mass apology)
Justin, to me: What are you apologizing for? I don't get it, but then I am often simple that way. Send me a list of those who complained and I will really give them something to cry about -- I'll make them watch ND football. Oh, but wait, we beat LSU - yaaaaaahhhhh. 24-6. They will write that score on my grave. Take it easy. Justin "The Gobble-Gobble Bowl coach and referee and ball boy and water boy and perhaps occasional quarterback and director of donut distribution services and love machine" Sandberg
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(Pursuant to the flurry of mass emails in response to HoHo #5 invite)
Justin, to me: A question: Why do people feel the need to forward me a message that it is obvious I got? A. my name is on the mailing list. B. I am mentioned in the text (it was funny by the way). Mail all the girls and tell them this month is bikini appreciation month (at least in the southern Hemisphere or somethin') and they should dress accordingly. Or just tell them to bring cookies. Take it easy. Justin "Bob Davie got the job but Wegley was my vote" Sandberg
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(Following the invitation to HoHo #6, which again resulted in a cadre of mass emails including the one below in which Kate complained that I had brutally misquoted her)
Kate, to all: You are a [expletive deleted]-head, AJ. I just want everyone to know that AJ has violated some major copyright laws in his last invitation. Do you really think LA would poison this good midwestern girl like that?
Justin: Kate, if you mention the law again I will hurt you. Merry Christmas.
Mark: Boy Justin, you really have a way with the ladies.
Suzy: Yeah Justin, I second that motion.
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(After the invite to Gobble Gobble #7, when again Kate sent out a mass reply to say she would be unable to attend the game because of the excessive price of airline tickets)
Justin, replying to all: Hey Kate. Hey everyone else who Kate has been ignoring. Money is no excuse. I am soon to be a rich and famous lawyer. I will borrow against the promise of tomorrow and buy you airline tickets so that I can see you, hug you, and bite the gingerbread man's head off and eventually vomit it all over the field due to overexertion. Oh, of course that is after I compare SAT scores with him. Where should I send the money? Justin "only about 30% of you will get this but I am sending it to everyone because I know how much I hate that" Sandberg
(The following day, after Mark and Kate had gone offline and exchanged several spiteful emails that I was tempted to reproduce here but could not do so in good conscience, but to paraphrase Mark claimed Kate had an imaginary boyfriend and Kate responded that he was just jealous)
Justin, to Mark and Kate: Kids, kids, calm down. First things first. Who said anything about a newfound year? Second: Mark - don't go jumping to conclusions about weddings and babies - that is unnecessarily inflammatory. Third: Kate - What about me, I have also wanted you since the 7th grade - don't I get (as the kids say) a "shout out"? Alright, now that everything is smoothed over, I would appreciate it if you both would shut the [expletive deleted] up and have a happy Thanksgiving. Hugs and Kisses, Justin "the Gobble Gobble equivalent of the mastermind Bob Davie" Sandberg
(Day 3, when Mark and Kate were really getting vicious)
Justin, again to Mark and Kate: Morons, I will make this simple. First, you two are arguing past each other, which makes for a not too interesting read. Second, you are also failing to address my points, which indicates that neither of you has reached true enlightenment. Third, (and this is a different in kind and not merely degree from point number two), you both ignored the lodestar of my last missive (SAT vocabulary coming through for me again, yeahh) - SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP. Thank you for your time. That will be $100 - it was about a 5 minute e-mail, but as a young advocate you learn to round up to the quarter hour. Again - SHUT UP and play nice. HAPPY THANKSGIVING. Justin "Solomon-like" Sandberg
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HoHo Bowl X
"The Spirit of Justin Sandberg"
Christmas Eve
Wednesday, December 24, 2003, 10:00 AM CST
STC East High School football practice fields
http://www.gobblegobblebowl.com